Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
You Might Also Like
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*