I hope this email finds you in a well
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk