MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I will never stop laughing at this
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.