My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
superman landing like a plane on his belly
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.