[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
same vibe as tangled headphones
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Beauty and the Beast
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.