Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!