As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.