[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
i spent way too long on this
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.