Just a phase…
You Might Also Like
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My love language is deader than Latin
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Bloody internet 😳