I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”