Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Big Sex has us all fooled
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
2022: I can fix it
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?