“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
B
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing