Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
this has to be peak English
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.