You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My what?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this