I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you