Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
🐕🍷
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that