my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
You Might Also Like
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
#Caturday
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL