When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My favorite farside!!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from