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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Current mood: Potato
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.