My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]