There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Every work call, he judges.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.