If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I have a place for everything. The floor.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.