Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
🛁
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Okay, I’m still confused…
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
it must be school picture day
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette