Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay