Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.