I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
so, is there a mister shapen head
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.