Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”