“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom