Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.