wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
just gave your address to some spiders
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
According to math, I’m broke
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road