my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
This headline is a thing of beauty
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.