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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???