I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.