Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good