Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel