I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead