All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
meanwhile over on facebook
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
knights of the ikea table
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*launders Kohls cash*
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…