January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….