Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.