My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.