Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing