Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.