today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
asking santa clause for nudes
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
This did not end as expected.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
A completely valid reaction tbh
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s