My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”