just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Erm I’m gonna say no
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.