Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The Assassin.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*struts into the new year
~ trips
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know