Best spot.. 😅
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.