Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
mood
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”