Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.