Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I gave up going to work for lent.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.